~Francine Shapiro
Patricia Ivan- Contractions
Pithy answers to everyday life conundrums
Saturday, March 23, 2024
EMDR
~Francine Shapiro
Thursday, February 22, 2024
fast thinking
~anonymous
Fast on ideas rather than things so as not to allow your own thoughts to consume you. This is after all the purpose of fasting, isn't it? Freedom, not weight loss or a buff physique*.
*The popular "intermittent fast" may actually feed addiction by indulging restrict-binge cycles that reinforce craving rather than freedom.
Sunday, February 11, 2024
I'd rather be safe
There is a saying that goes, "Either you're right or you're in a relationship." I first came across it during Imago Therapy training. My supervisor printed it on a magnet and stuck it on her filing cabinet.
The gist of the expression, and why it is relevant to couples, is that you cannot maintain a collaborative partnership when you're both trying to be right. It is one thing to support your view with evidence or reasoned argument; quite another to argue your point by interrupting, talking over, discrediting, demeaning or devaluing your opponent... which can further devolve into name-calling, yelling, mud slinging and stonewalling.
Trying to be right feeds a power struggle where each party wants to win and the other side has to agree, or lose. This adversarial stance is antithetical to relationship. It feeds a warmonger mindset and has no place in relationship, let alone love. I hate it very much.
Then there are those who would rather be in relationship than be right. These are the ones who can put themselves in your shoes, see where you are coming from and validate your truth even if it is different from their own. They value keeping the peace and will agree to disagree sooner than fight over who is right. These are my peeps and I love them.
BUT
While being able to acknowledge another person's perspective is a quality that peaceful society cannot live without, it can become pathological when you are dealing with someone unable to reciprocate on this level (civil) plane.
Relationship at any cost is popularly known as codependency*. The codependent is an unwitting passenger or co-pilot on someone else's ride. Though your original intention was not to choose someone on a power trip, to remain with a person who cannot be civil to you in a reliable or consistent way is insanity.
Another expression puts it this way: "If you're on his side and he's on his side, who's on your side?"
Though it is good to see others as legitimate and separate entities with rights equal to our own (and treat them as such), relationships become unilateral when only one person is doing all the work. In a sense, this is as antithetical to relationship as always wanting to be right.
Though I would rather be in a relationship than be right, when being in relationship means always being wrong, I would rather be safe, unbuckle and get on another ride.
*codependency originally referred to the loving partner (parent, sibling or friend) of someone dependent on alcohol or abusing some other substance.
Sunday, May 21, 2023
heterogamous havoc (part two)
~evil appears as good in the minds of those whom gods lead to destruction(Sophocles; Antigone)
Saturday, May 6, 2023
heterogamous havoc (part one)
I have a working template that helps me understand the genders. I have been wanting to share it publicly for a long time but hesitated because I didn't want to come across as sexist or reactionary. I finally decided that it has been valuable enough to me personally and professionally, that it is worth taking the risk.
Saturday, April 15, 2023
compassion conversion
~ Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama
The recent event depicted in the photo has sparked debate about the meaning of this gesture and whether or not it constitutes "abuse". My own view is rather simple and consistent, I think, with the view of compassion expressed in the quote above.
First of all, I'd like to disclose that I have had several Buddhist teachers, all of whom had issues with impulsivity in relationships. One of them had a history of boundary violations with women including me, and whose teacher was also associated with scandal and abuse.
There is a long list of Buddhist teachers who have been called out on their misconduct. Here is a sample. One would like to think that a religion promoting love and compassion would know how to practice it, but the reality is not so. There seems to be a basic lack of understanding about what compassion looks like in real life.
Back to the point of this blog post.
The problem is we tend to equate compassion with good intentions, a heart full of love and kindness, and being positively disposed toward another. While this may be good in itself, it does not mean that our actions will not cause harm to someone else, and remains a mere sentimental notion of compassion.
Compassion means to suffer with, i.e. with another person, and cannot be measured by intentions alone.
In order to be compassionate (and not just have compassion), we need to think about the one who will be impacted by our actions, ideally before we act. We need to ask ourselves some questions like: how will my actions be perceived? How will they be received? Am I putting this person in an uncomfortable situation? Do they have even a choice? Am I imposing myself or my affection on them?
Compassion requires reflecting, not upon myself and my intentions, but upon the other person. Compassionate action is the fruit of reflection, not the spontaneous expression of good intentions, no matter how kind.
Saturday, January 21, 2023
the relativity of power
~Margaret Atwood